Guatemala

Central American crossroads located just on the right side of the law. Friendly and warm, like a long-unvisited aunt whose cooking is actually as good as you remember, but who still smells a little. Countryside black with Mayan ruins and hippies who think sleeping on the Mayan ruins brings them closer to the Earth Mother, as opposed to meaning they are too tight to pay the criminally low accommodation prices.

Notable for - unlike its neighbours - not going to war over something spurious like a football match or an accusation of CIA employment. Guatemala city is the least favourable place in the Americas to need an appendectomy. Lax on general health and safety regulations, particularly on active volcanoes.

Malaysia

Dual speed South-East Asian country pulling towards Thailand, India, Indonesia, China and the West. not necessarily in that order. Capital Kuala Lumpor is - like it's local sister cities Bangkok and Hong Kong, both a fun and jarring mix of Asian and, well, modern, wealthy Asian. Infinitely more interesting than close-at-hand Singapore.

Doesn't allow Israelis in, which makes for a generally more pleasant backpacking experience.

Czech Republic

Capital Prague is a favourite of middle-rate Hollywood blockbusters, used to colour antagonists with not-quite-the-same-morals-as-us should they choose to set up base there. Historical crossroads of Europe, benefited hugely from being as far east as many westerners would go in the aftermath of the collapse of European communism. Ultimately not as edgy as its reputation, but interesting and fun nonetheless. Czech women are not to be trusted. Invent pilsner. The country that is, not the women.

Indonesia

Most people's exposure to Indonesia consists of a short stint in Bali, which, unlike the rest of the Australia-bothering Asian archipelago, embraces the tourist dollar like a gogo dancer embraces a Chinese businessman. As a result, most westerners think the country is no more than cheap Bintangs and clichéd t-shirts. The reality is a huge, complicated mess which functions surprisingly well, apart from the half dozen or so separatist wars, the Islamist fundamentalism and the unnecessary regional interventions. Courted international disapproval for its conduct in Timor, needs to find huge oil reserves to be able to justify telling the internationals which bridge off of which they can feel free to hurl themselves. Rich in history and culture, it should be both more important and more dangerous than it is.

China

Feverishly industrial, hard working, vast inscrutable USA bothering Asian country which will likely be in charge of everything by the end of the 21st century, by which time they will probably have designed and built something with which to sink Japan.

Single-minded in their desire to maintain power, following the 1989 disturbances, the ruling Party commissioned the largest study ever conducted into why - going back as far as the Egyptians - regimes and Empires had collapsed, with a view to avoiding any traps previously encountered. So far, breeding localised majorities into national minorities appears to be the only policy change publicly known. Crazy, amazing place.

Vietnam

Communist right-bracket of South-East Asia. Kept some of the better aspects of French colonialism, like the architecture and the bread, and dispensed with some of the worst, like the French. Used as target practise of various sizes and shapes of ordnance by the Americans for much of the '60s and '70s, who - like all bullies - took umbrage at any retaliation.

Definitely a country in which to avoid getting sick.

Poland

Middle European country hamstrung by geographic location between the EU and Russia. Formerly hamstrung by geographic location between "West" and "East". Previous to that, hamstrung by geographic location between Germany and the Soviet Union. Economically reliant on agriculture, low level, unexplained "industry" and remittances. Thought to have invented University, at least in Europe. Famed in the Catholic Church as a production line of Jesuits - who as everyone knows - have the Papacy tied up.

Grey.

USA

Thorougly unpleasant dual speed country big on international bullying (military and economic), executions and protectionism for rednecks. Like Australia, it has pockets of civilisation around the outside, but the middle conspires to be both liver-meltingly dull and genuinely terrifying, with the landscape responsible for the former, and the locals the latter. An empire in all but name for much of the 20th century - and like all former Empires - it is currently having difficulty adjusting to humility. Responsible for some excellent television programmes, some atricious movies, and - with the exception of cricket - all of the world's boring sports. Also responsible for every spurious war waged since 1870.

Austria

Middle Europea German province. Known - if not necessarily famous - for providing Europe with its most prolific mass murderer since the plague. Mountainous and landlocked by countries that everybody prefers to visit, it has no real point. Capital Vienna trading on an over-inflated sense of its own self-worth, similar to Irael, the Wallabies and anyone from San Francisco.

Vanuatu

Pacific archipelago of Danny Glover lookalikes and ex-pat hippy divers. Pivotal naval battleground in World War 2. Key exports include tourism and a particular strain of religious zealotry. Tropical, easy and lazy. Almost unique in the South Pacific in that it has yet to produce an All-Black.

England

Repressed industrial wasteland off North Western Europe. Uncomfortable with being European, it has clung doggedly to singular identifiers such as the Royal family, the pound and a developing-world-esque class system. Institutionalised government distrust of its own people has resulted in the entire country being covered with CCTV. Monitoring of the footage has provided innumerable jobs for immigrants who are causing all the problems the cameras were installed to catch. Along with the French, indirectly responsible for every global 20th century civil war. Slow brewing its own for the 21st century.

Universally rubbish at all the sports it invented.

Germany

Despite being utterly bankrupt and infrastructurally destroyed twice in the last 100 years, now a vast European money pit. Responsible for some of the best roads in Ireland. Current crop of politicians largely achieving the continent-wide domination and dependence sought in different ways by their predecessors. A talent for innovation and manufacturing, and an unsavoury appetite for any sort of muck vaguely sausage shaped. Locals are famous - unfairly - for having no sense of humour. Beats England at everything except war, and even then closely run until the Americans get involved.

France

The surest sign that the French were going to go war with some other country was the signing of a peace treaty. This has been translated in modern times to allowing you to be reasonably confident that when "un français" looks you in the eye, smiles warmly and shakes your hand manly, like a trusted friend from university, that he intends to sleep with your wife. Or possibly that he already has.

Expensive, rude, and with an unhealthy amount of dog excrement everywhere, capital Paris is a must-visit city. More interesting but less seen by foreigners are the regions of the south, where ancient Roman influences and ruins are still evident. The natives mostly wished they lived in Spain, but not necessarily that they were Spanish. Most visitors agree that France would be better if all the French lived in Spain.

Costa Rica

Popular as a playground for the US upper middle class before particular parts of Mexico were sanitised. Cleaner, more western, slightly more expensive, and much less interesting that most of its immediate neighbours. Boasting nice beaches and an "African American" population which has known freedom longer than in any country except Haiti. Relies largely on legal enterprise, having been commercially undercut as a drug trafficking stopover by other countries in the region. Generally good at football and tourism, less so at infrastructure, and completely rubbish at war, having disbanded its army following a less than impressive stint as American stooges for invasions into southern Nicaragua. Like many countries, mispronounced by Americans, "Costa", not "Coasta".

India

Like Spain, largest-democracy-on-the-planet-India is multiple countries masquerading as one. Huge and intimate, dangerous and fun, filthy and magical, it inspires and induces nausea in equal amount. Famous for being a bridge too far for Colin Farrell. Liked by self-important western hippies trying to find themselves. Or trying to lose themselves. Or trying to find someone else. Or trying to cop off with other self-important western hippies. Disliked by people who break out in a rash when faced with self-important western hippies.

Left beating England in rugby to its Antipodean colonies and immediate neighbours, in football to the rest of the world, and focused instead on beating it in cricket.

The Netherlands

The Dutch are the only nation of people on Earth who genuinely, honestly like the English. As a race, sanctimonious and fun-free, despite ready and legal access to recreational drugs. Institutionalised slashing of foreigners' car tyres on the national Queen's Birthday holiday, with Germans in particular always targetted. Responsibly for that paradox in other people where they claim to like the Dutch generally, but think every individual Dutch person they know or have met turns out to be a twat.

Ireland (Republic of)

Economic basket case off the west coast of Europe. Almost exclusively irrelevant in its own right, has spent centuries exporting things it's proud of (sons, daughters and whiskey) and things it's not (the bagpipes). Locals speak a dialect of English often bewildering to other native English speakers: 'craic' for 'fun'; 'drizzle' for 'humidity'; 'a pint' for 'twelve pints'; 'grand' for 'broke and destitute, but no point in complaining, anyone interested in a pint?'.

Will never win a World Cup in anything except golf.

Cambodia

Historically tortured South East Asian country popular with western backpackers and paedophiles. Angkor driven delusions of grandeur murdered en masse out of the local population in the 1970s. Friendly and engaging natives enjoy not being Thai, Vietnamese or French. They are largely confused about the Laotians. Surreal place to visit on account of the limited number of elderly people burdening society.

Italy

Like many European former-Empires, still trading on past glories. Often to the detriment of current problems, like refuse collection, sanitation and a criminally corrupt political elite. Modern Italy doesn't work. At all defining epochs in its history, culturally significant. Probably the unsafest country in Europe in which to be a woman.

Invented the concept of a professional standing military, who haven't won a significant battle since the mid 400s.

Wales

Peopled by those who were too soft for the booze cruise to Ireland when the Celts were marauding their way through North Western Europe. They like singing and rugby, and singing at the rugby. They don't like the English, most of whom would be hard pressed to locate Wales on a map. Of Wales. Has a Prince, who hasn't been actually Welsh since the 1400s. Capital Cardiff pretends to be edgy with all the bravado of a very well behaved child stealing a biscuit he would have been given if he'd asked. Mostly harmless, largely irrelevant and almost universally safe.

Hungary

Former Mittel Europ empire still recovering from a seemingly never ending string of bad political alignments in the 20th century. Redeemed some credibility by being the catalyst country for the fall of the Berlin Wall and the ultimate end of European Communism. Capital Budapest is popular on the inter-railing circuit due to its stunning collection of Turkish bathing houses, and cheap lap-dancing clubs. Home to a surreal Communist statue park which has to be seen to be believed. Not a place to detox.

Mexico

US labour farm with oil-fuelled dreams of economic independence. Fun, expansive and not nearly as dangerous as suspected by its northern neighbours. The authorities take a dim view of people smugglers to keep these same northern neighbours happy. The drug smugglers take a dim view of the authorities to keep these same northern neighbours in coke. American tourists are corralled into Safe Zones - generally on the Caribbean coast - for the protection and overall happiness of the locals. Mexico City remains one of the few places on Earth where the original Volkswagen Beetle is common. It's also the kidnap-for-ransom capital of the world. The two are not thought to be linked.

Luxembourg

Tiny European tax pariah which, like it's spiritual, social and political big brother Belgium, is not a real country. Considers itself relevant despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Tour de France stages are occasionally gifted to Luxembourg by the pharmaceutical companies which run it. Not especially famous for anything.

Scotland

Cold, angry place, not quite a country, but not quite a willing participant in their Southern neighbours last grasp at empiredom. Moreso than even the Irish, the Scots love fighting and drinking, although not necessarily in that order. Edinburgh is known for it's comedy and fringe festivals, which are when people who are not from Edinburgh take over the city and have fun, something anathema to the largely presbyterian natives.

They did - as often stated - invent golf, keen as they are on hitting things with sticks. But they did not - equally as often stated - invent whiskey, although they did inexplicably drop the 'e'.

Belgium

Not a real country, as evidenced by the length of time it has spent - completely unnoticed - in the 2000s without a government. The 1st King was the 2nd person offered the job (by Europe's Monagarchy), after the 1st person turned it down preferring to hold out for King of Greece. The country has narrowly avoided civil war by repeatedly allowing other countries to fight each other there instead. The Flemish-Belgians (in the north) are currently experimenting with hard line right-wing politics, some 70 years after most of the rest of the continent. They want to secede from the formerly-wealthy French Belgian section (in the south) whose mines funded modest empire building in West Africa, which in turn turned Flemish-Belgian capital Antwerp wealthy as the diamond capital of the world.

The same Flemish share a language, heritage and sanctimonious attitude with the Dutch over the border, whom they detest almost as much as the French-Belgians, the French and the Germans.

Switzerland

Fun-free land-locked European Nazi-gold reserve. Famous for chocolate and watches and having an ultra-secret banking code. Less famous for being the home of FIFA, a byword for corruption in the 21st century. Not famous at all for friendly, welcoming natives. They make the Germans look like a race of stand-up comedians, which is stretching relativity to the point of being harsh on the Germans.

Despite not having a coastline, once won the America's cup - a yacht race - by buying the boat and crew of a team which had previously known success. In the planet-as-house-party metaphor, it is the model who broods in the corner, doesn't drink, refuses to talk to anyone she considers beneath her and ultimately has the depth of a Petri dish.

Laos

Sparsely populated South East Asian country unfairly maligned for drug-trafficking, people-smuggling and having the temerity to object to being cluster-bombed back to the neolithic age by a country with whom they were not at war. Late-onset Communism was not entirely good to the former jewel in the French Indochinese crown. Laotians have traded trying to swim the expansive and dangerous Mekong to Thailand to boating European and Australian backpackers the other way. Mosquito repellent worth more than gold.

Spain

Food obsessed European 3rd World confederation of inward-looking provinces masquerading as a country. Spent most of the 20th century fighting itself, and most of the preceding five centuries fighting everyone else, especially the French. Generally a safe bet against in any war. Good at football, not so good at economies.

Panama

Surrogate US state in Central America best known for having a lucrative ditch. It also houses the only break in the Pan-American highway where the authorities surrendered the Darien province to the guerrillas, the mosquitoes and the FARC. Popular drug-running stopover between South and North America. Large ex-pat community continue to live colonial lifestyle. Good beer, bad taxis and everyone owns at least one gun.

Thailand

Appendix shaped Asian country popular with everybody except the Thais. Along with farms in the west of Ireland, one of only two places in the world where alcoholic drinks are served in buckets. The locals are universally alarmingly nice, except when they are couping, which is on average once every 20 minutes. Trades on a reputation of being cheap for tourists, where in reality it isn't anymore. A surgical strike on Hat Rin at full moon would dramatically increase the average global IQ, while simultaneously ridding the world of all remaining Bob Marley cassettes.

Not known as a rugby powerhouse, and recently tried to steal a temple from Cambodia.

Iron (Norn)

Two thirds of a province of a peripheral European island, prone to sporadic but generally short-lived outbursts of peace. The Northern Irish have spent centuries locked in bitter battles with their sworn-enemies, the Northern Irish, so modern day trade is in revisionist history, weapons, and bile. Not fondly thought of for anything other than the 1982 World Cup and some rocks off the north coast the locals have been unable to rip up and lob at each other. The place to go for alcoholics needing organ transplants. Capital Belfast once known as the best place in the world to get shot.