Venezuela

Oil-rich South American fat farm whose leader gives hope to the ambitions of parents of special needs children the world over. Has systematically ignored or industrially vandalised most of the stunning natural wonders within its borders. Unlike many of her Latin cousins, not very good at football. Or diplomacy. Or anything which requires any mental or physical application. Has produced a disproportionally high number of Miss Worlds, which will come as a shock to anyone who visits.

The happiest Venezuelans live outside Venezuela.

Uruguay

Gaucho-obsessed Eastern Argentine province whose natives have a habit of burning nearby Buenos Aires to the ground. Good at beating people at football they probably shouldn't be beating. Bad at engaging with other Latin Americans on any meaningful level that doesn't involve football.

Largely overlooked by travellers to South America, most South Americans and many Uruguayans.

Argentina

Meat-obsessed South American land popular with escapees. Decades of investment clashing with Latin American temperament has led to a shiny new looking country where nothing works. Good at football and niggling English people, usually about football.

Vegan and international debt unfriendly.

Brazil

Vast and varied South American resource farm historically blighted by poor management. Better at football than anyone else in the world. Larger and more diverse than Australia, it has a good reputation for beach holidays, and a an unjustified bad one for just about everything else.

Once booted eccentric Portuguese Emperor out having nick-named him Pedro Bananas.